Stephanie: Hi, It's Steph here with some additional thoughts on this week's episode with Emily Hall. If you listen to the episode, you may recall that Emily burst into tears on her 40th birthday because she hadn't achieved all the things she thought she was supposed to by that age. She talked about her challenging early life, where she grew up in a toxic environment, which led to a cycle of self destructive behaviors.

And despite facing more than one near-death experience and struggling with low self esteem, Emily found herself in a relationship she thought would complete her, but it ultimately ended in betrayal. And that heartbreak was the thing that finally forced her to confront her codependency and self worth issues.

Emily's pain and upset on her 40th birthday came from not achieving the life milestones, like marriage and having kids, that she thought she should have achieved by then. And there's something that I want to point out. There's a blueprint that a lot of us internalize, and it can get so deeply ingrained that we feel like a failure if we're not achieving certain things by certain milestones. From the time we're young, there are all these expectations about what life should look like, go to school, get a stable job, get married, buy a house, have kids. And that playbook is endlessly reinforced by media and by the cultural norms, if not by your family and friends as well.

So when Emily's life didn't unfold according to that script that she had internalized by the time she turned 40, she found herself in crisis. And she talked about how her low self esteem and the low confidence that she had in herself, along with not valuing herself, led to depression. And those things are all kind of tied together. They're all pieces of the same whole. She described how she would abandon herself in relationships, especially with her friends. She would give too much. She would excuse bad behavior because she she was so scared of people leaving her because that would bring up how unlovable she was, so let's talk a little bit about self worth.

Self worth is the belief that you are a valuable person who deserves respect and consideration. It's an internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging.

Self worth is an internal belief where self esteem is based on external factors like your achievements, the things you've done. And when self esteem is inconsistent, that can also lead to feelings of worthlessness as well. So after hearing a little bit about Emily's story, it's clear that she didn't have those consistent, solid, positive beliefs about herself and our beliefs and our inner narratives can either trap us or they can liberate us.

Emily, the way she describes it, got a kick in the pants from a friend of hers after her breakup. Her friend said, no one's coming to save you. And that's when Emily realized she had to find her way out of the patterns she was in. Here's what she said.

Emily: How do I do that? Right. I've got to think really, really, really differently. I've got to kind of ditch all of that traditional old way of doing things. I've got to start looking at, you know, completely new type of thinking, actually.

Stephanie: Then she embarked upon a path to make her mind her friend. I love the way she said that. So often our minds can be worse than the worst undermining friend that we have. Let's go back to Emily for a minute.

Emily: And that's when started to understand about, our beliefs shape us, how our belief, that we have ourselves, about our world, whatever, really inform our actions.

Stephanie: Mm

Emily: And actually, the self loathing and self hatred was completely unnecessary.

the, the biggest change piece me was changing my internal dialogue. That was hard.

Stephanie: So Emily's crisis was both one of identity as well as self worth, and the two are deeply intertwined because our sense of who we are, our identity shapes the value that we assign to ourselves. So, if our identity is tied to negative beliefs or external achievements, our self worth is fragile and it's dependent on those external factors.

When things go poorly, our self worth goes down. When things go well, it might get a little boost. And it's not a great idea to store your self worth outside yourself.

Many of us grow up adopting identities based on, either familial or societal expectations. We might see ourselves as the responsible one, the hard worker, the one who's going to succeed, uh, the clown, the silly one, the oldest one, any of these things. These labels often lead us to believe that our worth depends on successfully embodying those roles. So when we don't meet those expectations. Like if we fail at a job or end a relationship or we don't achieve societal milestones like marriage, it can affect our self worth.

And Emily's story really illustrates this so well. She believed her worth was tied to getting married and having kids. And when those things didn't happen by the time she turned 40, she found herself in the midst of an identity crisis.

So our internal beliefs act like lenses through which we interpret all of our experiences. When something goes wrong, it can reinforce these stories, making us feel worthless. So, if we don't challenge and rewrite these identity stories, our self worth will always be at the mercy of what is happening outside of us or around us, or in the world things beyond our control.

Now, when people start questioning their identity, and this often happens around midlife, they may feel lost at first. But this questioning can also open the door to transformation. Letting go of these rigid identities and embracing more flexible, compassionate identities helps us build self worth from within.

One of the ways to start building that self worth from within is to let go of these rigid identities and embrace a more flexible and compassionate way of looking at yourself. Emily shifted her identity from someone who needed that external validation to someone who valued herself for her resilience and her inner strength.

Remember all those things that went sideways in her early life the way her family life wasn't, uh, really predictable and she had all these health issues. Instead of looking at those as failures, she was able to turn them and reframe them in a way that was positive, therefore valuing herself for things like resilience and strength. And this shift really allowed her to rebuild her life and find that lasting peace and fulfillment because it came from within. It wasn't dependent on things outside of her.

So if you are someone who struggles with your self worth, I have a few ideas to help you change that inner dialogue. And now listen, focusing on self worth when you haven't really had any in the past is like asking you to speak French just because you like the sound of it. I know this is a process and I'm just going to give you some tips on places you might start or things you might look at or, or, or things you can do to start to build that muscle, because that's a great word for it muscle, these things are like muscles. And right now, relying on those external pieces for your self worth is an overdeveloped muscle. And looking inward and relying on yourself for that self worth is an underdeveloped muscle. So it's going to take a little work and that's okay.

First off, low self worth often comes from having a harsh inner critic. So you have to address that first. So start by paying attention to your thoughts. Are they kind or are they terrible? Are you terrible to yourself? Do you say worse things in your head than you would ever say to your best friend? So many of us answer that question with a yes.

I have told the story multiple times about the exercise that a mentor gave to me once to help me quiet my inner critic. And if you'd like access to that, drop me a line and I will get it to you.

Another indication that you're kicking your own ass for no good reason is words like always and never. I always screw things up. I never get things right. That kind of thinking is part of what's behind your low self worth. How could you be worth anything if you always screw things up and never get anything right?

So if that sounds familiar to you, then it's probably time to really look at those thought patterns. And each time you catch a negative thought, Pause for a moment, investigate it, and reframe it. And this is a process that when you first begin it, it's a little slow and it's a little cumbersome, but the more you do it, the better you get at it.

So, first, ask yourself whether the thought is really true. Is it true and what evidence there is to support it? Because usually the circumstantial evidence evidence in your life is going to prove that the opposite is true. And then reframe the thought. Sure. Maybe you made a mistake, or maybe you screwed something up, but you probably also learned something from it that might help you later. Or there was something something good came out of it. So take your always and never statements and reframe them like Emily did.

Another way to build or strengthen your muscle of self worth is by consciously redefining your identity in empowering ways. So identify limiting beliefs about yourself, start with those always and never statements, and then move on to the ones where you're simply just mean to yourself. And recognize how these beliefs impact your actions and your choices. Because they do, and I'm sure if you took a moment and you wrote down one of these terrible thoughts, and then looked to see what choices you made, or what actions you took after you thought this thought, you'll see that your actions are probably in reaction to those thoughts. So try rewriting those beliefs with a focus on your personal strengths and your inherent value.

And for a moment, let's dwell on the word inherent. Inherent value. It means built in, constitutional, fundamental. genetic, implicit, innate, internal, intrinsic, natural. You don't have to do anything or be anything or achieve anything to have value. You have value is not a result of anything other than existing right here, right now.

A strong sense of self worth comes from knowing that you are valuable simply because you exist, not because of your achievements or the roles you play in life, or what anyone else thinks of you. And when your identity is rooted in self acceptance, then setbacks and challenges become less threatening because you can fail, you can make mistakes and you can experience rejection without it shaking that core belief that you are worthy.

And people who have, who are experiencing, or who suffer from low self worth, who are stuck in these thought patterns often overlook their strengths and accomplishments. So, let me give you another little exercise. Could you spend just a little bit of time reflecting on the qualities that make you unique?

What have you overcome? What skills, traits, or talents do you have? And what makes you special, cool, quirky, funky, or interesting? Those are the things that give you value. They're not negatives.

The next building block to self worth is trusting yourself. This period of midlife is when we move from putting our trust in things that are outside of us to putting our trust inside of us, to understanding that we have experience, we have expertise in our own lives. We know best what is good for us and trusting that, again, is a muscle that you have to develop. So you can start by trying to make small promises to yourself and keeping them. Over time that can help you build evidence that you can indeed count on yourself.

And for God's sake, please, please break the habit of comparing yourself to others. Compare and despair is how this week's story started. And I'm sure that you have felt it yourself. I know I have. I think we're all human. We've all felt it, but comparison picks away at your self worth by making you focus on what others have instead of appreciating your own strengths and your own progress. And we all know that social media can make it so much worse and we just have to keep reminding ourselves that it only shows the highlight reels from other people's lives. We know this, but I'm just reminding you. So if you can reduce your exposure to some of these triggers, that's going to help. But also let me remind you that your journey is unique. It shouldn't look like anyone else's. Your highlight reel should look different from other people that you know. That's what makes you special and unique and interesting.

Another component of building self worth is boundaries. Low self worth often leads to over committing and people pleasing, because when you value yourself, you recognize that your time and energy are precious. So start practicing saying no to things that don't serve you. I know it's hard, but give it a try. If you start with small boundaries, that's going to help you build up some confidence. And I know you're going to feel guilty at first, practice is the path to self worth, which is the key to overcoming that guilt. And

speaking of your time and energy, another thing you can do is start tuning into the vibe. There are people who, when you spend time with them, you leave feeling happy and energized. And people who, when you leave, you feel sucked dry, down, dark. And that is exquisitely important information. The people around you can either uplift or undermine your sense of self worth. And which ones do you think you should be spending your precious time with? It's not like we all have loads and loads of disposable time, copious amounts of spare time. So we really do need to start being a little bit more judicious, and a little bit more choosy about where we're spending our time and who we're spending our time with. Because that can really impact our insides, especially as we're building these muscles.

Something that happens as you start to build this self worth is you'll notice things start changing around you. Emily mentioned this in her conversation. You may be somebody who feels like you are stuck in this endless loop of doom and gloom of things going wrong, of never making the right choices, of never getting the opportunities, all of those things, all that negativity.

Once you start building this self worth inside of you, that energy around you will change and you'll start to see it goes back to the people you surround yourself with to. Instead of being surrounded by toxic vampires, now you're choosing to spend your time with people who fill you up and lift you up. And you'll also start noticing that opportunities will come your way and other good things will start floating by you. You'll start to leave behind some of the negativity and move into a little bit more positivity. And not just in your own internal mind and body, but in your world as well.

So working on these skills has a multifaceted impact. First it affects your insides, and then it seeps into your outside environment. And so when you start seeing those indications of things going well, little bubbles of positivity, of interesting things, of opportunities, good stuff coming your way, you'll know you're on the right track. And when that happens, keep going.

So when your identity aligns with your true values, your passions, your strengths, self worth becomes not only sustainable, but unshakable. You don't rely on either achievements or other people's opinions to define your value, because you're living according to what feels meaningful and fulfilling to you, which only serves to reinforce that inner confidence and that peace.

Alright, let's go back to Emily for some closing thoughts.

Emily: When you feel good from within, suddenly you attract much better people into your life.

I kind of feel that, you know, growing up, if we were taught this stuff, my god, wouldn't life be different?

Yeah, we'd still make some some mistakes, which is, that's life. But actually, you'd make the mistakes from a place of confidence, from place of thinking you matter from a place of value. When you think those things, decisions you are markedly different from when, the opposite is true.

Stephanie: Alright, final thought. To build lasting self worth, it is crucial to challenge your limiting beliefs about who you are, rewrite your negative identity stories, and create an internal foundation based on being nice to yourself and being authentically who you are. And by doing this, you can empower yourself to navigate life with resilience and confidence, just like Emily did.

Thanks so much. I'll see you next week.