Stephanie: Hello and welcome to season six of the 40 Drinks Podcast. I'm your host, Stephanie McLaughlin, and I am thrilled to be back with you after a short and restorative break. You know, sometime in the years around your 40th birthday, many of us start to feel what I call the Ick, like some part of your life that had been working well, no longer does, and you don't know what to do about it.

I know that was true for me. And I fought against it, which only made it a messier process. But having 40 drinks with 40 people over the course of a year helped me escape the influence of that Ick. On this podcast, I welcome you to tap into my stories and experience as well as those of my guests to help you emerge from your own Ick and maybe even avoid some of the mistakes we made along the way.

My mission is to make it common cultural knowledge that there is a transition most of us face around age 40 and then showcase so many versions of that transition that every single person approaching or recently turned 40, and starting to think they've got the Ick themselves, knows that they are not alone. Today I want to talk about some of the common themes around the midlife Ick that have emerged through my guest interviews. I've got another bunch of great interviews coming up for you in season six but I

love to start the season with some of my own insights around the themes that are emerging from all of these wonderful conversations.

Before we get into the themes though, I feel like it's important to define what I mean when I say the Ick. It's become a bit of shorthand for me, but if you're new here, I want you to understand what I mean when I say it.

I use the Ick to describe that feeling of unease or discomfort that many people start feeling sometime around the age of 40. It's usually plus or minus about five years. The feeling is usually pretty vague and difficult to pinpoint, but it signals that something in your life is no longer fitting right.

It's usually not anything specific. It doesn't have any sharp edges. It's just this sense that things aren't quite right and you're not exactly sure how to put them right. Now, I know that people who are turning 40 these days, do not resonate with the concept of the midlife crisis.

And it's not always a crisis. So I get that. And the way that I use this term, the Ick, it's a little different from the stereotypical midlife crisis as well. When we think about the midlife crisis, it usually evokes an image of drastic and impulsive actions, like the buying of th e sports car, the having of an affair, but the Ick is really much more subtle and internal.

It's less about specific actions and more about this general sense of dissatisfaction or misalignment or even a malaise in your life.

And a midlife crisis often implies a sense of panic or desperation, whereas the Ick is more of a low grade discomfort. I usually say like chafing from wearing clothes that are the wrong size or shape for your body.

it's a feeling that something needs to change, but there's not really an immediate urgency until you ignore it for a long time. And the Universe sends you, a major wrench in your life that turns it into, an urgent situation like it did for me. And like it, it has for some of my guests.

And as well, the midlife crisis traditionally is a well known, if cartoonish kind of concept. But what the people in this 35 to 45 cohort don't really realize is that the challenges that you're facing now are part of a predictable stage of adult development, just like toddlerhood, just like adolescence.

But the lack of cultural awareness that adults even go through developmental stages makes it harder for people to identify, whether they're in the Ick and then address it in some way. But it's a natural stage of personal growth and transformation and it's possible to navigate it with confidence and intention. And the ick usually signifies a period of significant change, whether in your personal life, your professional life, or even just your internal life.

All right. So now that I've set the stage with the Ick, Let's move on to some of the common themes that have emerged through, a hundred and something interviews, so far. I've pulled seven themes that are pretty consistent through my conversations about turning 40.

Number one, self discovery and authenticity.

So a recurring theme in my guest's stories is the importance of living authentically and aligning your choices with your true self. My guests have described feeling a stronger desire to live in alignment with their values and their passions. Some have embarked on journeys of self discovery through therapy or coaching or personal development programs.

And many of my guests describe feeling like they were living according to societal expectations. What I call the cursed shoulds. Or following paths that no longer felt really true or good to them anymore. And this realization leads them to start making significant changes to prioritize their own happiness, their own passions, and their wellbeing.

So this element of self discovery and authenticity means that midlife can be a time for shedding old identities and embracing your true self and making a commitment to living more authentically.

Theme number two is about purpose and meaning.

When my guests embark on journeys of self discovery, they're hoping to find a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives, which often involves questioning their career paths, exploring new passions or finding ways that they can make a positive impact on the world. And the motivation for these journeys is usually a sense of, feeling stuck or unfulfilled in their lives, which leads them to seek out activities and different things, endeavors that bring them that greater sense of purpose and fulfillment. So, this period in midlife, this transitional phase, can really be a time for re evaluating what truly matters to you and then aligning your actions with those values.

Theme number three is around personal growth and self discovery.

Almost every one of my guests stories demonstrate that change is an inevitable part of life and that embracing it rather than fearing it or ignoring it can lead to growth and wonderful new possibilities. Many of my guests share stories of navigating difficult situations like divorce, job losses, health issues, the death of loved ones.

And while these experiences are painful, they often serve as catalysts for profound personal transformation. These challenges forced my guests to confront their fears, to reevaluate their priorities, and ultimately develop greater resilience and self awareness. So while some of them had a specific aha moment that led them to these significant changes, others, and maybe even more people said that, discovery is not a one time event, but more of a continuous journey. They talk a lot about the importance of self reflection and trying new things and being open to learning and growing. And this can mean expanding our understanding of ourselves and how we fit into the world around us. Many of my guests had experiences with therapy or personal growth modalities. that help them heal from past traumas and embrace a new level of self acceptance. And these journeys often involve confronting limiting beliefs, redefining personal values, and stepping outside of your comfort zone to pursue opportunities for growth and transformation.

Theme number four is around relationships.

And the podcast really dives deep into the impact of the midlife transition on our relationships. This period of time often involves reassessment of our personal relationships, who fills you up and who wears you down. This stage of life is when it's time to prioritize relationships that bring joy and support and let go of those that no longer align with our needs and desires.

We just don't have the time or the bandwidth anymore for these relationships that don't fill us up. And my guests have really emphasized the importance of surrounding themselves with supportive and loving relationships. They talk about the value of friendships, romantic partnerships, family connections, that provide, and this is the important part, the sense of belonging and understanding and encouragement. These meaningful connections are essential for navigating life's challenges and experiencing joy.

Theme number five is around our health and well being.

And I've often heard that health challenges are a catalyst for re evaluation and change. Many people have a specific event or a specific health scare that sets them on a new course. And these challenges range from facing age related changes to dealing with serious health scares that often serve as a wake up call that it's time to make positive changes. And many of my guests are changing their lifestyles so that they're improving their diet, they're exercising, they're seeking therapy or coaching. The whole goal is to enhance their overall wellbeing.

You come to this point in life and you realize that it's time to prioritize physical, mental, and emotional well being, and you realize that taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, but rather a critical aspect of living a fulfilling life.

Theme number 6 is around career changes.

This is a very strong recurring theme among my guest stories. The reassessment of and often changing of career paths during this time. As they have approached 40, many of my guests have gone through a period of reflection that leads them to realize they've outgrown their roles or that their careers no longer are aligned with their values and passions.

And so they leave behind established careers to pursue those passions and to pursue things that align more closely with their evolving values and aspirations. Many times this involves starting their own business, becoming an entrepreneur or exploring alternative career paths that offer greater flexibility and purpose. And the final theme, theme number seven is around intuition.

Another recurring thread throughout my conversations is the idea of people finally listening to their intuition in their forties. Many of my guests admit to ignoring their gut feelings throughout their life, ignoring the little voices in our head,but as they begin to navigate this transitional period of midlife, they begin to trust these inner signals more and start using them as guideposts for making some of these significant life decisions. And this theme really demonstrates how we move away from the guidance of all of those external authorities around us, who provide us with those cursed shoulds again, and finally start tuning into and trusting our own experience, our own expertise, and our own authority.

It's at midlife that we find ourselves finally get this deeper understanding of our own inner wisdom. And when we pay attention to and start trusting that inner voice, and our gut feelings, we begin to make decisions that align us with our authentic selves, with our values, with what fulfills us and with what we want our lives to be for the next many years. And recognizing and following these intuitive nudges often leads to significant personal growth and many changes in our lives.

All right. So now that we know what the Ick is, and what some of the most common themes are, how do you know whether what you're going through is an isolated issue, or part of this larger midlife transition? I say, keep an eye out for any one or more of these five things.

Recurring themes and patterns.

You want to pay attention to recurring themes and patterns that emerge in different areas of your life. Are you experiencing dissatisfaction in your career, in your relationships, in your personal life? Are you questioning your purpose, your values, your identity? And, individual issues can arise at any time, but the convergence of multiple areas of discontent often signals a broader need for change or realignment.

Number two is increased self reflection and questioning.

And this is really a hallmark of this midlife transitional period is a heightened sense of introspection and a willingness to question those beliefs and assumptions we've held for a very long time. You might find yourself examining your values, your priorities, your life choices with a new level of scrutiny. And this introspection often involves challenging the shoulds that have dictated your decisions up to this point. So this period of midlife offers the chance to break free from these constraints and to start to define success on your own terms.

All right. Number three is heightened emotional sensitivity and reactivity.

So if you're starting to experience a wider range of emotions, both positive and negative, and you find yourself reacting more intensely to situations that haven't phased you before. This heightened level of sensitivity is often a sign that you're processing some deeper emotional material and becoming more attuned to your own needs and desires.

The number four thing to look out for is physical manifestations of stress or unease.

At midlife, we can often start feeling unexplained aches and pains and sleep disturbances or changes in appetites. These can also be signs that you're experiencing a period of transition, because our bodies often signal when something is out of balance and it's critical for us to pay attention to these cues before they tip into larger issues.

And then the final thing to look out for is a really increased desire for change and growth.

So you may start to feel a strong urge to make changes in your life, whether big or small. And this might manifest as a career shift, a move to a new city, a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, or a renewed focus on personal relationships.

So if these five different feelings sound familiar to you and they persist over time, they may suggest that you're experiencing something shifting inside of you larger than just an isolated issue.

All right. So you've diagnosed that there is something going on with you that's bigger than any one thing. And it might signal that you're entering or in this transitional phase. And I know I've used a lot of numbers here today, but here are three things I want you to know.

Number one, this midlife transition is a normal and natural phase of life. It's just one we don't hear about a lot, which is one of the reasons I've become so captivated by it. Let's normalize the challenges and emotional complexities we face during midlife because experiencing uncertainty or discontent or major personal shifts during this period around our 40th birthday is a common human experience.

Number two. These transitions can be triggered by significant life events or realizations.

Milestone birthdays are the ones that end with a zero. And they very often trigger us to take stock of our lives. But significant losses like the death of a parent, or relationship breakdowns, or health challenges, career dissatisfaction, or even a general desire or urge to make changes are all potential triggers for this transition.

So recognizing these can help you understand and navigate your transitional era more effectively.

And number three. Midlife is an opportunity for growth, reinvention, and creating a more authentic and fulfilling life. So midlife is not a crisis to be feared, but a chance to make positive changes. And these transitions, while they can be challenging, ultimately lead to a greater self awareness, better and stronger relationships, and a renewed sense of purpose, which I promise you is worth going through these challenges to achieve.

Alright, I've thrown a lot at you today, but I finally felt like I had enough material and the time to work through it to start working on a framework for getting through the Ick unscathed, or at least with more grace and ease than I made it through with.

Let me know if you've got any questions on any of this. Truly, ask me anything you ever wanted to know about turning 40, about this 40 transition, and about the ick or about what any of my guests have shared of their stories.

Also want to say out loud, because I don't do it enough that if you want to learn more about the 40 transition, please consider getting on my email list where I explore this topic in different ways than I do here in my podcast episodes.

And you can do that on my website, 40 drinks. com. Spell out the word 40. There is a contact button right at the top of the page. If you want to drop me a line and there's a subscribe button as well, if you want to get on the email list.

And one last favor to ask, if you enjoyed this episode, hit subscribe, leave a review,or share it with someone who might appreciate this exploration of midlife's twists and turns.

All right, next week, you are going to meet Marina Theron Monterey, the first of two co hosts of the Hopening podcast, on which I will appear in an upcoming episode. Marina calls her 40s a rollercoaster and a tumultuous time. I'm looking forward to sharing how she worked her way through her version of the Ick to find happiness and fulfillment on the other side. I'll see you next week.