Lauren: Hey Lauren. Thanks so much for joining me on the show. Stephanie. How are you? Thanks for having me

you have a very interesting place in my,podcast guest,book, because you are the first partner that I've had on. I'm very excited. I spoke to your husband, Justin, a couple of months ago, And then, I found you.We've been following each other on social media and you put a post up not too long ago about sort of your old life. And I did some math and I said, I think you were probably 35 ish at the time. Yes, well, first of all, I get in trouble if I don't say Justin says hello.

Stephanie: Oh, thank you. Tell him I said, hello back. Yes.

Lauren: I will, I will.

Stephanie: Good. So I'm thrilled to now put together the other side of the story and I'll have to somehow,put these together so that there can be sort of 2 sides of the same coin. But your story, obviously, you guys, your story,comes together at some point, but you both have different pathways to get there.

So let's start where we normally do. What brings us to your midlife transition? What brings us to your early thirties? How did you become the person you were then?

Lauren: So, post that you're referring to was,the last, date I had with my ex husband. And that was when I was about 34 and a half, wasn't quite 35 yet, but that was just before I picked up my two babies and,walked out and left a toxic,narcissistic, abusive marriage.

And so my late twenties and early thirties were spent in this relationship,trying to stay afloat, trying to survive, trying to make sense of what was happening with me because at the time I did not understand that I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship. I was trying to fix things and make him happy and, you know, figure out like, you What went wrong? What did I do? There was a lot of rock bottom moments in that life. I eventually realized that there was no improving things. Things were only getting worse and I watched my son start to mimic the way that my ex husband was talking to me and I witnessed my daughter in her high chair watching everything happen. And I said, no, I'm done. I am not going to allow my children to be raised in this household, in this toxic environment, and think that it's normal, and that it's healthy, and that it's loving, and that it's okay.

And at the time I was living 3,000 miles away from everyone I knew and loved. My ex husband and I had moved to Seattle. I'm from the East coast. We'd moved to Seattle as our last ditch effort for me to, fix this marriage. And we were in, you know, a two bedroom apartment with our two kids, broke as all get out and, I said, I'm done. And so I scooped up my kids. We went and lived in a hotel for a week with my mom. She was my savior.

She came out, took care of me, got our own place, and I started to rebuild my life while working full time, supporting my kids and being a 100 percent solo parent.

Stephanie: Oh my goodness.

Lauren: Yeah, it was, it was a lot. My kids were three and one. They were literal babies. And I was 100 percent responsible for them. They did not go with their dad.

He had his own things going on. And I had to be everything and do everything, and heal from it. And go through the divorce process. Cause, I don't know if it's a Washington State thing, but the, you know, person who files does all the work. The mom does all the work. I had to go to the parenting classes. I had to, deal with the lawyers and go to the courts and everything.

So it wasn't long before I decided to move back to the East coast because I needed a support system. And that's kind of solidified me being a solo parent cause he was no longer nearby to.

Stephanie: Well, you said that he in the first year or so after you guys split, he really wasn't that involved. He wasn't visiting. So what was the point of staying?

Lauren: Exactly. I realized that I wasn't going to get any sort of co parenting or any help. And so being alone trying to recover, I just decided to come back home where at least I had some family and some friends that I could lean on and not have to be completely alone and doing it. I did have friends out there, so shout out to them. They were very helpful, but, you know,it was not enough for me to be able to handle these two children and everything that I needed to do.

Stephanie: Yeah. One of the things that really struck me about that picture that you posted and the comments that you put around it was that you didn't even recognize the person in the picture and that she looked like a different person. And even though she was smiling, there was so much behind it.And that was just so striking to me that, you didn't even recognize her.

Lauren: Well, I was in the midst of, you know, the abuse and I was so beaten down and, you know, I see it now, obviously looking back, I knew I was kind of a shell of myself at the time. It's just very striking to me to look back at pictures during that time in my life, and I just don't even know who I am.

It's fascinating. I wish we could do a side by side. There's a photo of me about, couple weeks after I left,friends took us to the zoo and there's photos of me and I look radiant. And glowing and just free. And it's such an interesting comparison to, to that photo that you saw on Instagram of,of, you know, me just sort of fake smiling and just even looking puffy in the face.

I just didn't even look like myself. And just a few weeks later, after leaving that environment, it's like a weight had physically and emotionally lifted from me.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Lauren: Which was powerful.

Stephanie: Do you know now with the,perspective of time and distance, do you know how or why you chose that relationship, or why you got into that relationship, or how you found yourself in a place of abuse? Can you see that from where you are today?

Lauren: I can, and it's kind of hard to discuss because even though I said my mother was my savior, my mother was also my first narcissistic abuser. She definitely had narcissistic tendencies and my father and I were her targets.

And one thing I want to talk about when it comes to narcissistic abuse, that a lot of people who haven't experience don't know. You don't know necessarily that someone is a narcissist unless you are their target. To the rest of the world, they seem affable and, social and functional and wonderful and they're great friends and they're great sisters, brothers, mothers, everything. When you are the target, you see that side of them because they need something from you in order to make themselves feel better or get their lives in order.So, you know, my father was more of a target. I became a target because I was very much like my father. And my mom didn't really like that because for a narcissistic parent, your children are an extension of you. So we kind of had that,friction in our relationship and, you know, sometimes it was fine and sometimes it was difficult, it ebbed and flowed throughout my life, but I had to recognize that, oh, I'm more of an empathetic person and that is somebody that a narcissist defines as their target.

So, when my ex husband came along, he saw those qualities in me and was like, that's the person I need. So I found myself in this position, but I didn't know it. I didn't know any of this about my mom or my ex-husband at the time. I did a lot of, you know, soul searching and healing after my divorce to discover all of this.

And so I became a target for my ex-husband and what it became for him was he needed somebody to take care of his life.He saw that I was buying a house, and I had a car of my own, and my parents had a vacation home, and it was very attractive to him, he wanted that lifestyle, but he didn't want to work for it.

And by the end of it, We had no money left. We had nothing left. He took it all. So I found myself in that position because I hadn't discovered from my childhood what that looked like. And so then I became yet another target for yet another narcissist.

Was there a familiarity about it? I've heard that before from other conversations I've had about,people who were,have relationships with narcissistic abusers, that there was something familiar in this relationship to maybe what they had growing up or at home.

Stephanie: Did you have that same experience?

Lauren: Not necessarily because, you know, with my ex-husband, it was a lot of love bombing. I mean, the gaslighting, sure. I was used to being told that's not how it is, even though I knew it was. It wasn't necessarily that, although in subsequent dating experiences I had I found a familiarity that was like my mom, which was a really weird thing to discover.

But with him, it wasn't so much. But, you know, the relationship that my mom and my ex husband had was very up and down. At one point, they were very close. At one point, they were at odds with each other. So like witnessing that for me was very strange. I'm like, what is going on here? And now later on, I can look back and understand that they were in competition with each other. Because I was both of their targets. Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah. Wow. Okay. So you leave your ex husband. you spend some more time in Seattle and then you move home. And the next couple of years, talk about the next couple of years and kind of what you were doing then.

Lauren: The next couple of years, that was when I went to therapy, and that's when my therapist identified him as a narcissist and a sociopath, based on my description of what had happened. And so then I was able to understand that it wasn't my fault, that there's nothing I could have done to change him, and that leaving was the best thing I could have ever done for me and my kids.

And so that was a wonderful validation. I also, because I had become such a shell of myself, started to dive back into the things that I had been passionate about. Yoga, nutrition.I started to get into crystals, things like that, that I use to spiritually and emotionally heal myself. I used to say when I still do say that the yoga mat is, you know, my therapy,

I started to reclaim those parts of myself and what I wish I could have done first, although it's part of my journey, is really work on my self love. I did not realize that I did not have it. And had I worked on that, I would have not had so many falters happen during that period of time.

Dating, when you don't really love yourself is not a positive experience because you become a target for people who look for people who don't love themselves and can, you know, use them in that manner.But I eventually did, it's funny, I was reading a self help book for women and the author was saying how all of a sudden one day she goes, Oh my God, I love myself after doing the work.

And I said, Oh my gosh. That's what I need. I didn't know that I didn't love myself, but being raised by a narcissist and then married to one, of course, I didn't love myself. I was told not to, because if I did, they would lose their grip. So I went on a journey and really just got to know me, got to be comfortable with me and, release that negative self talk of those people in my life that told me that I shouldn't like myself. That I shouldn't be proud of me, that I shouldn't be confident, dare I be selfish or egotistical. I really finally got to the point where I was like, okay, yeah, no, I do love myself in spite of everything and in spite of everyone, and that's when I believe my path really took the most positive turn in terms of growth.

I was able to be comfortable being single because I wasn't seeking. I was seeking love from outside when what I really needed to do was seek it from the inside. And that's why dating was such a disaster for me because I just wanted somebody to love me, not knowing that it was myself that I needed. I was able to just be comfortable being single, be a more stable parent for my kids. I was more confident in who I was as a mother and what I needed to do for them and what my path was. And then beautifully, about five years almost to the month after I left my ex husband, I met Justin, my new husband.

And he and I together, because as you mentioned, he had done his own work. He had his own journey that he needed to go through to get to a point where he was available for a healthy relationship. I was then available for a healthy relationship at that point. We were never really supposed to be together. We kind of met on a whim and neither of us were looking for anything serious. And here we are five years later, almost to the month, married for a year.

Stephanie: I love it. What do you mean you weren't meant to be together? How did you meet on a lark?

Lauren: So I had decided in all of my journeying and growth and everything that I was going to move myself back to Seattle. At that point, my ex husband had moved back to his hometown, which is in Indiana. If you've never been to Seattle, I will tell you that all of the stories about the rain, while true, it's very minimal in terms of like day to day and it is a beautiful place.

I am somebody who loves to be near water and loves to be near nature and being out in Seattle when I was getting divorced, I always say Seattle is what healed me. Seattle saved me. Being able to be near water and nature and things like that while I was going through one of the roughest times in my life was a lifesaver.

So I had gone out to visit a friend. I said, you know what? I'm gonna move back. I love it here. What am I doing? I don't have any ties that are keeping me down. My kids weren't in school yet. I can do whatever the heck I want. So I decided to move back. So this was the plan. But I wanted to hang out with people.

So Justin and I were both on Bumble, which is a dating app that is like Tinder, but geared for women. So when you match on Bumble, the woman has 24 hours to start a conversation or the match expires. So if she doesn't feel like it, she doesn't get bombarded by, inappropriate messages.

So I actually, when we matched, I was just in a mood. I was not in a mood to start a conversation. I was like, I'm tired. It's the end of the week. So I let it expire. Now the men on Bumble have the opportunity to pay like a membership fee to be able to extend the match for 24 hours. So he did that. And I'm like, okay. That's my policy. If they extend, I'll send a message. They made the effort. I will. So we start talking and I'm like, what do you do?

So it's a Monday. I get home from work, you know, getting the babysitter settled, getting the kids settled. He's coming to where I live. We live 45 minutes away. He's coming to my town. We had already said where we're going to meet. He texts me, they're closed. I'm like, okay, find somewhere else, text me where you're going to be. So he does. He says, I'm at this place. I show up at that place. He's not there. He's like, no, I'm at the, I'm at the bar. I said,no, you're not. I'm standing there in front of a bar full of people and the hostesses that are looking at me thinking I've been stood up on April fool's day. And then he goes, Oh, no, just, sorry,at this place, I already have a beer. So you have to come be me here. So I walked a block and a half because I said, I have a babysitter. I'm out for a night, whatever. I'll meet him. And, you know, for a couple of months while we hung out, the understanding was I'm moving. I'm not going to be here in a few months.

And then several things happened. A lot of the speakers at his event changed my mind about why I was moving, and I will tell you, I was moving because I was running away. But what I realized is that I was running away from myself, and I was still going to be there when I got there.

Stephanie: Yep.

Lauren: So I decided, okay, I'm not moving. I'm going to plant my roots here and I'm going to see what happens. And that is how we were not supposed to be together. And we got together. He's also five years younger than me. And isn't that like, was never married, no kids. I'm like, this person is not stepping into insta family and embracing it. But he did, which was beautiful.

Stephanie: My husband is like six and a half years younger than me as well. And though I didn't have kids,I was 40 when we met and he was34. And, let's just say. There's a bit of a big,gap there. So, I do think he doesn't remember it this way, but I do. I do remember that his mom kind of went, really, are you sure? And she's lovely. She was lovely. and we, got along great. But before she knew me and knew anything about us, really, she was kind of like, really? Yeah. Uh, sounds like Justin had some really strong game there by talking about his event on the dating app. Sorry, Justin.

Lauren: was like, who is this guy trying to sell tickets in the first few messages? Lo and behold,I went to the event for free, so I didn't have to buy a ticket.

Stephanie: That's excellent. Oh, that's excellent. The perks. Right, right. this is just such a wonderful story. You also during this, these couple of years after you moved home, you went back to school on top of everything else. Top of being a single mom and taking care of two kids working and trying to learn how to love yourself.

Lauren: Yes.

Yeah, that was, that, was part of, I don't know. I don't know. That was part of a reclamation of myself. Well, I think about it now. So the first school I went back to was nutrition school. So I graduated from the largest nutrition school in the world, Institute for Integrative Nutrition. It's hard to say fast.

Which, when it first started was, one weekend a month in New York City were the course is and then there was online coursework. But by the time I got to enroll, it was all online, which was so good for me. So for a year I would go to work, get the kids dinner, baths, settled, bedtime, and I would do two to three hours of online coursework every night.

So I was up until 11 or 12 every single night and you had to keep up with it. It was a lot of coursework every week and there was a quiz at the end of every week. So there wasn't just like putting it off. So I did that for a year. And I honestly, I don't know how I got it done. I know I remember it being exhausting. There were some nights where my kids would come into my bedroom needing something while I'm in the middle of, you know, watching a class, watching a lecture, taking notes. And I just was so determined. It was the number one thing on my bucket list. And, you know, like I said, it was a reclamation of myself.

I said, I'm going to do this. Whether I use it or not, this is something I want to do for me. And it was such a proud moment for me to be able to, first of all, afford it after everything, and to be able to do it for myself and achieve it. And I graduated and it was an amazing experience.

I got it all set up and it was wonderful. I had babysitters. I had some other help. And then,COVID happened.I was literally three days away from taking my practicum, which is where you teach the class as your final exam. COVID happened. And I had to finish yoga teacher training on Zoom during COVID while Justin, bless his soul, who had only been with me for a year, watched my kids downstairs while I was upstairs all weekend long, finishing up yoga teacher training in the beginning of quarantine.

Stephanie: Wow.

Lauren: That was, yeah.

Stephanie: Isn't it amazing when you meet your person?

Lauren: Yes. Yeah

Stephanie: feel very similar. I mean, without the complication of kids and without the complication of your first marriage, I had many, many, many terrible romantic relationships. And I, did a bunch of work as well over time. And by the time I met my husband, Patrick, it was like coming home. It was so smooth and easy and not that it was always smooth and easy, but it was mostly smooth and easy and wonderful and so easy to be around.

I remember,a girlfriend was getting married and we were at her bachelorette party. A bunch of us went down to, one of the,casinos down in Connecticut. And I was with a boyfriend at the time and it was drama. It was, he wasn't returning my messages or he was, being snippy on text or whatever. And I was sitting with two women who were both married. I was telling them the story and, you know, frustrated and all the things and they both kind of went, Oh, we forgot what that was like, right? They forgot what it was like to have somebody who was disempowering, invalidating, one of these terrible relationships. And at the time I thought them to be so smug, I really did. I thought them to be so smug, but I get it now. I get it.

Lauren: Yeah, I had a lot of that. I had a lot of that and I was like, why is this so hard? And then when I met Justin, I'm like, oh he texts me all the time. Everything is simple and easy and I don't ever in a moment feel unworthy, like unattended to. When we met and he doesn't love when I say this but it's true.You know, they say if they give you butterflies, they're not the right one, but if they feel like home they are. When I first met him in like when he went to the wrong bar and I met him finally I felt like I had known him for years. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't like, oh. And we were just comfortable and everything was easy. And, and that is something that I wish I had known when I was dating, that if it's not easy, then it's not the right fit.

Stephanie: Yeah.One of the last boyfriends before I met Patrick, we dated for, I don't know, a year and a half,maybe almost two years. But I remember like we would go away for a weekend and whether it was with friends or on our own or something. We would come home and he would drop me off, unpack the car. And then I'd look at him, you know, as he was leaving my house and I would say, When am I going to see you again? What are we going to do this week? Or, you know, whatever. And he would always get so snippy and he would be like, Stephanie, I just spent the last 72 hours with you, like, chill out.

Lauren: Wow.

Stephanie: And I was always like, like, there was always,this like abandonment thing of like, or scarce. I don't know what exactly it was. But then when I started dating Patrick. I was like, I never once had to ask him that.At the time I lived near the downtown area of,of Manchester where we live. And so all the bars and restaurants and stuff are, you know, we're just a couple of blocks from my condo. He would go out with friends after work, and he would just show up at my door, to knock on my door and either deliver a pizza, or give me a kiss, or say hello or something like,you know, Hey, I'm meeting the guys in half an hour. I picked up a pizza down the block. Like, let's have a slice of pizza before I go. I never once had that like, like, Oh my God, when am I going to, what am I going to see? It just was never, kicked off in me in this relationship. And it was such a glaring,change and difference between the right fit and the wrong fit.

Lauren: So you said to me when we first connected that,your forties has been a rocket ship trajectory of positive things, that you wouldn't have had if things didn't go completely wrong in your thirties.

Yes. You know, when we talked, we talked about turning 40. And I know for so many people, it's such a huge milestone that it brings up a lot of unease and what ifs. And when I was approaching 40, I just thought, I have no negative feelings towards it because I had gone through all of that. And I'd also accomplished everything that I really had wanted to.

I, you know, I got married. Check. I had two kids, boy and a girl. Check. I finished nutrition school. I was starting yoga teacher training. I had this new love in my life and I just was like, okay, this is going to be great. I do think your twenties are for making mistakes. Your thirties are for learning from them.

And now your forties are for becoming the most authentic version of yourself. To grow from that and just to be the person that you're meant to be, no matter what anyone tells you, you should or shouldn't be. And so for me, my forties have become, you know, okay, I'm just going to go do that. I am, I truly believe I'm living the life of my dreams. It's not exotic or luxurious by any means, but it's mine and it's my choice. To be able to do the things that I want to do. And it's been amazing. I love my 40s. I'm turning 45 in a few months. And it's like, all right, what's next? Like, it's exciting to me. I'm not scared about the future. So it's been a lot of fun. I think my 40s have been my favorite, to be honest.

Stephanie: And lots of people say that when they're in their forties and,you know, even coming out of their forties, they'll say the forties were such a great decade. I think though that 40 is the first number at which you feel or think you're going to feel, quote unquote, old. Right? It's the number at which you become, quote unquote, old, right?

Because in your thirties, you're just still in your thirties. But once you get that four at the beginning of the number,there's just, I think this,prejudice that.Stigma. Yeah, great. that you're going to be old, but it's so not true.

Lauren: Yeah,I, I feel like, there's always an age that your brain is stuck in, you know, for Justin, it's like 27. For me, it was 27 for a while. I think now I'm about 36. We'll just be generous. It truly makes you realize that age is just a number. It's how you feel in your head, in your body, in your heart. I don't feel old.

Now there are mornings I wake up when I'm creaking and squeaking and I feel a little bit old, but then I do some yoga and I'm like, I'm probably more flexible than half the people my age. So I'm, I don't feel old at all. And I think that yes, there is a stigma, especially with women in their forties. And I just, I've stopped caring what society thinks about us, what other people think about us. I just can't care anymore. And I think that's the power of your forties. We just stopped caring what other people think,

Stephanie:

is absolutely

Lauren:

You know, when they came out with the, whatever, Gen X was telling us that, you know, side parts are out and so are skinny jeans, I said, you know, you have fun girls. You have fun with your middle parts and your bell bottom jeans. I'm good. I'm good over here. I don't care.

Stephanie: I just need to clarify. It was not Gen X that said that. It was the guys behind you. It was,

Gen Z is the one. They're the ones who

Lauren: Gen Z. Oh, sorry. Did I say Gen X? I'm Gen X. I meant Gen Z.

Stephanie: I found myself in my thirties resisting a lot of the things that would have helped me grow. I found myself doubling down into bad romantic relationships and badprofessional fits. That's the kind of stuff that makes it messier and thatmakes the transition harder.

And I think if you are able to have the courage to listen to your insides, whether it be your head or your heart or your gut, and toacknowledge red flags wherever they may show up in your life, then yes, changes may need to be made. But those changes are very likely to help you find a smoother trajectory.

Lauren: Yeah. Yeah. And I think in my case, and I agree with you, I think in my case, I had just burned my life to the ground. So I was just starting from zero and rebuilding and, you know, getting to the point where I said, you know what, this is not for me. This is not part of my path anymore. And that can be hard. I love to talk about my story because yes, I literally set my life on fire and then just started over. And that's not the case for everybody. And so, you know, figuring out those transitions can be harder. It was just necessary for me because I did hit such a rock bottom point that I was like, all right, the only way to go is up. And so we're going to just rebuild brick by brick and see where it takes us. But you know, everybody has their own experience and story.

Stephanie: The really interesting thing about burning your life to the ground and you're right, not everybody does that. For some people, there's a gentle shift. For some people, there's a transition or a career change or,you know, relationship change or something. And that's all they need to experience.

For many other people, there is a burning down to the ground of the life. But the interesting thing about it is that the life that you rebuild is one that you choose thoughtfully, strategically. One that you make conscious choices about instead of just doing the things that you should, doing the things that are, quote unquote, right according to society or parents or teachers or whoever. You have enough experience enough road behind you to know all of the things that went wrong. And now, while you're rebuilding, you can make all of the choices to build exactly what you want.

Lauren: Yeah. And I will say that also includes the people around you. I had a lot of relationships shift.

And I had some people that were friends treat me differently because I was no longer in a nuclear family. And that was hard. But it made me realize who my real true friends are and who the people who love me in my trauma experience are.

And I no longer spend time with people who only love me in my trauma experience. I spend time with people who are comfortable with my choices, my life, the healed version of me. The people who are my cheerleaders, not the people who, you know, my wounds serve them.

Also something that is part of my 40s, because it did take a while for me to cut those ties and move away from those relationships. And I think it was being in my 40s and saying, you know what, why am I even keeping this person in my life? They only like me because I used to be an unhealed person and that makes them feel good about themselves.

They're not bad people, but like, you have to surround yourself with the people who love you for who you are and not for what hurts you.

Stephanie: Yeah. that's interesting. They're not bad people. Right. And they're on their own path. And they have their own healing journey. And whether they've chosen to engage in it or ignore it is their choice. To your point, I always think of,friendships and relationships as, there's all these, crisscrossing paths and lines and sometimes, the lines stay together for a while. Sometimes they diverge from each other. Sometimes they cross back over. And other times they're just gone. So it's, you know, not everyone is going to be in our lives for the entirety of it.

Lauren: Right. Yeah. And it's important because I feel like sometimes there's an expectation when somebody's been in your life for a long time that you're just supposed to keep them. I had that expectation of myself and, and these people and then I realized that's not a healthy approach to any relationship.

It's okay to let relationships go when they no longer serve you. It doesn't make you a bad person. Doesn't make the other person a bad person. It's just that the relationship is no longer doing anything positive, and that's okay.

Stephanie: There's a couple that my husband and I,occasionally spend time with. And I'm talking like, you know, once a year or so. And when we leave their presence, I typically feel like, so full up with happiness and joy and like, nearly like brimming over. Right. Once you realize those kinds of feelings, it's easier to make judgments on the other end of the spectrum, because you just can see the difference between people who fill you up and people who suck you dry. Or just people who fill you up and people who are uninspiring or, you know, blah. Right? And so the more you can. And it's like everything else. The more you can tune into that and understand and feel that, the more you go, Oh my God, I want more of that in my life, even if it means going out and finding new people, because, I'm looking for that, you know, those connections that just make you feel so good.

Lauren: Exactly. You kind of have to Marie Kondo your life. Does this spark joy? If it doesn't, you get rid of it. And you know, and it's okay. I think people feel too guilty sometimes to do that with people in their lives.I'm a huge fan. Cause I did that. I had a friendship crisis. I'm like, I'm not connecting with the majority of these people that I've been surrounded by for so long. And then I started to connect with new people and feel that joy that you're talking about. And then another new person pops up. And then another, I'm like, Oh, I was so afraid of not having any friends. But I was just looking in the wrong places for the things that I've been wanting. Cause there's always going to be people out there that are going to spark joy in you. And you don't have to spend time with people that don't.

Stephanie: Right.

Lauren: I find it's a waste.

Stephanie: I'm thinking back to, there are graphics out there about,whether it's the jelly beans or the gumballs and like how much time we have left by the time we're X age or Y age. And you take out, here's all these gumballs, cause those are the times you're sleeping and these are the times you're working. And so like, these are all the gumballs you have left. And, the time for yourself and to do the things you want to. And once you start seeing that it's like, Oh, it's not infinite anymore. It feels infinite in your teens and your twenties. And even in your thirties, it still feels almost infinite. But by the time you're in your forties and your fifties, you're like, Oh, goodness, there's not that much left. Start choosing wisely.

Lauren: Yeah. I like to do what I call my little end of life exercise. I think, okay, if I was on my deathbed right now, what would I regret not doing? And then I just go try to do those things, even if it's a long term plan. I'm like, at least if I was on my deathbed today, I could say, well, I was on my way. I tried, I had the plan.

Because I don't want to live with regrets and then the older we get, the closer we get to, you know, they say the people on their deathbed never talk about how many hours they worked, how much money they had. It's about time spent with loved ones and experiences they had. And so that has been the shift in my life in my forties. And that is why I'm living this life of my dreams, because I'm like, I'm about experiences and spending time with people that I care about and people that I like, and, you know, spending less time doing things that I don't enjoy so much because I don't have a lot of time left.

Stephanie: Right. Even if you have another four decades.

Lauren: Mm hmm. It's still not a lot of time.

Stephanie: Right. Think

Lauren: Also whyI try to take very good care of my health,because that's, you know, that is your wealth. My parents both died at age 71, 8 years apart, of different ailments. My dad had Alzheimer's disease, my mom had,high blood pressure,

And so I'm like, okay, I don't wanna be like that. I would like to outlive my parents and I also wanna be active as I do so. You know, you think about those gumballs and you're like, well, what if I am, for the last 20 years of my life, I can't move, I can't walk, or I can't do anything because I didn't take care of my health now. And then what's the point of that? I wouldn't be able to be 85 years old,doing walking tours in Italy. That's important as well.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Lauren: spend so much time thinking about my health, my wellness, spending time with my kids and all those things. That's what's important right now. The drama that we see, the stuff you see on the news, social media, like none of that. None of that is important. It's not that deep.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Lauren: That's my mantra these days. When something stresses somebody out or stresses me out, but it doesn't make sense or it doesn't matter. I just keep saying to myself it's not that deep. It's not that deep.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Lauren: It's not that deep

Stephanie: What are the things,that bring you joy these days?

Lauren: Nature, being outside. Now that it's springtime, I'm somebody who likes to go barefoot in the ground. I'm an earthing slash grounding person. And so now that I can actually put my bare feet in the ground, that's giving me life. You know, spending time with my husband and my kids.

I love my family. We have our own issues, but we have so much fun together. And, being on the yoga mat, playing with my crystals, doing sound healings with my singing bowls, reading. That's the stuff that brings me so much joy because it's what fills up my cup. And if I don't fill my cup, I can't overflow to help other people.

I'm a huge self care fanatic, and that is kind of why I survived being a solo mom of two toddlers. I took care of myself so I could take care of them. Because as women in this society, we often give of ourselves to the point of breaking. We're here to serve everybody else. So I just, anything I can do to fill up my cup and give myself, you know, some self care and energy and health so that I can show up for myself and for other people. That's what I enjoy. That's what gives me joy.

Stephanie: As you're looking back now on, you know, 10 years since, the tumultuous time of your life, what are the lessons you've learned? What are the tools that got you through? What would you tell somebody else who was in a tumultuous time in their lives?

Lauren: I would tell them it's okay to walk away. It is okay to disappoint people if it's in the best interest of you and the people closest to you. That was the big thing for me before I blew up my life. Divorce was not an option for me, but I got to the point where I gave myself permission because it's what needed to be done. I find a lot of people don't do that or they think it's not that bad. Or they think. I'll just tough it out. And I always want to say to them,

Stephanie: Right?

Lauren: you waiting for? Like you said, there's only a certain amount of gumballs left. And, you know, if somebody is harming me or something is not for me, I don't stay in it longer than I have to, because I just don't have time to waste.

When I see people continuing in a situation that's not serving them or their loved ones, it breaks my heart because I just want to be like, you can do this and it's going to be okay. And yes, it's hard. It is hard. But on the other side, it's so great. It is so great.

Stephanie: So much better. Not even great, but so much better.

Lauren: So much better. And what got me through was knowing that I was doing the absolute best thing I could do for my kids and for myself and knowing that I had my choice in what life looked like.

You know, for about a decade I didn't have my choice and reclaiming that was such a powerful thing. And as much as it was really difficult being a solo parent, it's been the most freeing thing because I don't have to ask permission to do anything. And it's amazing. We go where we want. We live where we want. There's no one telling me, oh, they can't do that. Or, oh, they're not, no. I'm in charge and it's wonderful. It is a wonderfully freeing experience because I'm the one in charge of how my children are raised. And I know that's not the case for a great majority of,co parents and I feel for them. But for me, that was the one plus of the whole like burning everything to the ground is I get to choose. And that is amazing.

Stephanie: Yeah. You get to set the values and you get to set what's important and you get to set the things that they learn and the culture of the home. That's especially coming from where you came. That's amazing.

Lauren: It's been really wonderful.

Stephanie: Well, Lauren, I am so happy to have had you here with me today. I thank you for coming and sharing your story and sharing the other half of the story that we heard a few months ago. I'm so glad you could make it.

Lauren: Thank you so much for having me. This has been a great talk.