Date Published

9/2/25

Episode Title

Turning 40 and Googling 'why is my boyfriend so mean to me’

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What happens when a single Google search changes the course of your life? Sabrina Victoria shares how she broke free from a controlling, abusive relationship and rebuilt her life from scratch. From secret bank accounts and late-night hustle to the moment she realized she had a choice, Sabrina’s story is raw, powerful, and full of lessons about resilience and self-discovery. If you’ve ever felt stuck in a situation that seemed impossible to escape, this conversation will show you that there’s always a way forward, and that your voice and your power are waiting to be reclaimed.

Guest Bio

Guest Bio

Sabrina Victoria is a seasoned entrepreneur and TEDx speaker with a background in door-to-door sales. She brings over two decades of experience of building and co-building multiple 6 and 7-figure businesses to Her Nation Global, a dynamic media platform showcasing women business owners through podcasts, virtual magazine features, and empowering events. Her charismatic leadership style centers on community building, education, and strategic networking as the core of success for women in business.

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Turning 40 and Googling 'why is my boyfriend so mean to me’

Sabrina Victoria’s story is one of grit, resilience, and rebirth. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, she was disfellowshipped at just 20 years old after becoming a single mom. What followed was a tumble into isolation, addiction, and eventually an abusive relationship that nearly consumed her. But Sabrina’s midlife transformation began with one late-night Google search that opened her eyes, gave her a new language for what she was experiencing, and set her on a path to reclaim her life, her freedom, and ultimately, her voice. Today, she runs a community to empower women and she’s living proof that even in your darkest moment, hope and healing are possible.

Highlights in this episode:

How Sabrina’s strict religious upbringing shaped her early years—and left her vulnerable when she was cast out

The turning point when she chose sobriety and has stayed sober for the next 20 years

The insidious ways financial, emotional, and psychological abuse can strip away autonomy

The breakdown moment that led to the Google search that saved her life

The secret businesses, hidden bank account, and quiet determination that became her ticket to freedom

The role of personal development voices like Lisa Nichols, Tony Robbins, and Les Brown in keeping her motivated

How Sabrina has navigated relationships in her 30s and 40s and found balance between masculine drive and feminine energy

The liberating realization that she had a choice—and how that awareness changed everything

Sabrina’s journey from being silenced and controlled to finding her voice is inspiring. Her story reminds us that midlife transitions often come with both hardship and profound opportunity. She illustrates how resilience, resourcefulness, and a refusal to give up “until” can transform even the most difficult circumstances into a life filled with freedom, balance, and authenticity.

If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, follow, and share The Big Four Oh Podcast so more people can discover these stories of midlife transformation.

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Episode Transcript

Sabrina: Hi, Sabrina. Welcome to the show.

Hello. Thank you for having me.

Stephanie: Oh my God, it's such my pleasure. We were introduced by our mutual friend Laura Ballet, who was on my show a few months ago, and you and I have talked a couple of times and it's such a great introduction, so thank you, Laura, if you're listening.

Sabrina: Yes, girl. Get those intros.

Stephanie: Absolutely. Friends, making friends, it's awesome.

Sabrina: So I wanna talk to you about your midlife transition. And yours is interesting because when we were first talking, there was, sort of some obvious transitionary period in your life, very outward transition, an abusive relationship, which you were able to get yourself out of.

Stephanie: But when I pressed you further, you went, oh wait, there's some more transition after that, more internal transition, that I'm very interested to get into because the thing about this, age 40 ish area transition is. There can be so much outward transition that we're then distracted by kinda what's going on inside.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: And that really came up in our original conversation. So I'm excited to explore that a little bit today. But let's start at the beginning. Tell me a little bit about your background and the forces that shaped you into who you were in your early twenties.

Sabrina: Yeah, a hundred percent. So raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My parents were actually converted old school way, door to door,

Stephanie: wow.

Sabrina: which is crazy.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Anyways, led my life all the way through to, 20, in that religion. I got pregnant at that age and I wasn't married. So you or anyone listening knows what that means.

Jehovah's Witnesses are very strict, so I got what's called disfellowshiped, which means everyone you've ever known your whole life, drops you.

Stephanie: Wow.

Sabrina: When I needed community the most, right? I'm 20 years old, I'm just becoming an adult. I have no clue what I'm doing. Led a very sheltered life. Jehovah's Witnesses only talked to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: Very sheltered, very naive.

And I got, disfellowship lost communication with everyone I'd ever known, including my closest family. I led a stereotypical single mom, just broke life.

Stephanie: Yeah. Wow.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: And after you had your son, you told me you went a little crazy for a little while.

Sabrina: Yeah. I ended, actually ended up getting sober. I've actually been sober for probably close to 20 years at this point.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I had my son when I was 21 years old. I, my birth, my 21st birthday I was pregnant and so I, wanted to explore drinking, not to say I hadn't drank before that, but anyways, yeah, I did. I fell off the rails. I was, I'm gonna use the excuse of also just like, so lost,

Stephanie: Yeah, for sure.

Sabrina: Just like so lost, eager for attention.

for like anybody to freaking pay attention to me because I was, I had so few connections at that point.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And yeah, I actually probably by the time my son was maybe six months-ish, I don't know the date.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah.

Sabrina: I was with my boyfriend. He handed me a rum and coke, which was my drink back then. He's like, here you go. And I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna drink that tonight. And he was like, okay. And he drank it himself. And then the next night, I'm waking up without a hangover.

I'm feeling good. I'm still having fun. I'm like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. Right? And all of a sudden became a better mom. I'm not like, having a hangover with my boy.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: So, yeah, I was like, lemme just get my shit together.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And stayed sober for a while. And then there's a point in everyone's sobriety journey where you're like, do I go back? I'm good, or should I not go back?

Stephanie: I think I can handle it.

Sabrina: Yeah. And at that, at a certain point, right? I don't know, it was maybe a year in,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: like, dude, I got a year. Like, that's cool. I was like, lemme see if I can do it. I don't know. Let's do another year.

Stephanie: yeah. Yeah.

Sabrina: Yeah, here we are about 20 years later. My son's about to be 21, so somewhere around here.

Stephanie: Congratulations. That's amazing.

Sabrina: yeah, it feels really good.

Stephanie: Yeah, So tell me about the man on the White Horse. Was that the boyfriend when your son was six months? Yeah. yeah,

Sabrina: yeah,

Stephanie: He comes riding into your life. you had been, again, excommunicated from your world. You were kind of off the rails, no structure, no community, and he rides in and says, I will take care of you both.

Tell me a little bit about that relationship.

Sabrina: Yeah. It probably took about. Everyone always asks like, when did you know that he was like, not good. And it was like the first day.

Stephanie: Really?

Sabrina: It was the first day, yeah. Honestly, I just was so desperate. Like I said.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And this guy was paying attention to me. And he was taking me out. The the toxicity from day one was so bad.

The actual like real abuse didn't happen until I moved in with him.

Stephanie: Okay.

Sabrina: That didn't happen until probably my son was maybe a year and a half.

Stephanie: Okay.

Sabrina: So that's basically what happened, that he, my, my lease was coming up. I couldn't afford jack shit.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And he's like, Hey, why don't, you just move in with me? You know you can't afford your place. You just keep house. I was like, dude, yeah.

Stephanie: This is a deal.

Sabrina: I know everything was presented as a gift. So I move in six months later, he's like, Hey, why don't you just quit your job? Your job sucks. Come work for me. We'll build an empire together. Right? Another gift.I was too shy, naive, just codependent to ask for money.

Right. He, we never discussed pay.

Stephanie: Right? So come work for me. Right?

Sabrina: Start working. I'm just thinking like, yeah, I'll make about the same.He paid me, I was making $800, this was a long time ago.

Stephanie: Of course.

Sabrina: $800 every two weeks.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: He was paying me $400, every two weeks. So

Stephanie: Because of course he's also providing room and board.

Sabrina: Exactly. That's he said.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Sabrina: I'm providing you your house, your utility. So it's about the same. And I agreed. I'm like, you know what? Cool. That's fine.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I was working 14 to 16 hours, not eight hours a day, and building this empire for us.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I can't afford anything. Right. Because in my old job, I still couldn't afford anything. So it didn't matter if it made any sense, like I still couldn't afford anything. That extra 400 that would've gone towards rent or whatever else.

I'm still paying for daycare. I'm still paying for my car. I'm still paying for my phone. I'm still paying for insurance. I'm still paying for food.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: Toiletries, all the things,

Stephanie: Yep. Yeah.

Sabrina: So I'm still negative. I'm broke, but now at least I don't have to worry about getting kicked outta my place.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: And so I went to him one day. I'm like, dude, my car credit cards are racked up. I have a 500 credit score right now. I'm drowning with this $200 a week you're giving me.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: He's like, oh my, I am sorry about that. Just throw everything away and just put everything under my name. So like, get rid of your phone, put your phone under my name. Get rid of your car. Put your car under my name. It's gifts, right? It's

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Yeah, I got you.

Stephanie: Right. I'll take care of you. Yeah.

Sabrina: And, sohe's running my phone now, full access. He's running my car now, full access. And as he gained more and more control. It just got worse and worse. Mental, emotional, sexual, financial abuse.

Every day, name calling.

Stupid, dumb, idiot. Every swear word you could possibly think of, including all the derogatory things you could call a woman.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Yeah, this was all the way until I hit, I mean, thirties.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah.

Sabrina: No idea what was going on. He had me convinced that I was just the worst girlfriend on the face of the planet.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: I'm dumb. I'm an idiot. If only I was smarter, prettier, better, more organized, then he wouldn't be suffering. He wouldn't be where he is. Even though I was running his whole company,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: We doubled, tripled, quadrupled in sales.

Stephanie: Wow,

Sabrina: We expanded offices. Yeah. We went from one office in Chicago to six offices over four different states.

Stephanie: What kind of, uh, business was it?

Sabrina: We were doing sales.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Yeah. So you're 30 ish at this point, and, bizarrely Google saved your life.

Tell me about that.

Sabrina: Yes. I love telling this story because it is just like, burned into my memory and I almost view it as like above myself.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I can see myself. And dude, I had a breakdown and I'm sure there's people listening that have had maybe even yourself. I lost my mind. was yelling, I was screaming, I was crying like a psychopath on the floor of the bathroom in the dark, like death was pouring out of me.

Awful. I can still see it, like, I can still feel it, like,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: oh, emotion just rises up in me when I think about it. And, I hated my life. I hated the guy I was with. I wanted to die. And I pulled out my phone outta my back pocket. I'm on the floor fetal position in the dark, bawling my eyes out, and I lifted my phone and I can barely see 'cause a bright light in my eyes I could barely see,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: and I Googled, why is my boyfriend bullying me? Because I didn't know any other vernacular other than he's such a bully. He's so mean every day, so mean to me. That's when the whole world of narcissism, codependency, empathy, boundaries, financial fortitude, just hit me right in the face. And I recognizedtwo things. I recognized there was a shit ton wrong with my partner.

And I also realized there was a shit ton wrong with me.

Stephanie: Sure.

Sabrina: And it was a total epiphany, and I am so grateful for that day.

Stephanie: Yeah. Well, it exposed you to an entirely new language.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: You had no language for what had been happening to you and it, other than it was your fault

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: and you deserved it, and you were a bad person, which none of those things were true. And so opening up that world to that new language must have been actually, was ita positive in that like, oh my God, there's hope? Or was it, oh my God, there's so much there to learn, I don't even know where to start? Do you know what I mean?

Sabrina: I was so excited.

Stephanie: Oh, yes. Yeah.

Sabrina: Literally, whenever and, I'm not trying to offend anybody,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: but whenever somebody tells me like I'm trying to say this as like lightly as possible, that they've been sad for a long time,

let's just put it that way. In my mind I'm like, dude, you can flip that if you wanted to because I was dying in sadness that day.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Externally and internally

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And within moments of skimming that google search and just a couple of just little swipes of articles, I sat up all that sadness left my body. And I all of a sudden, felt so informed and so powerful and so educated. Within 60 seconds.

I was like, dude, this Is it.

Stephanie: It's the dawning of hope.

Sabrina: Crazy.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Finally, I realized I'm not insane.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Sabrina: I'ts not me. I mean, it is, right? 'Cause I had stuff to work on.

Stephanie: Of course.

Sabrina: total epiphany and in that moment, that exact same moment, minutes apart, I started making a plan to get the F out of that house.

Stephanie: Tell me a little bit about the plan.

Sabrina: Immediately took my power back.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Sabrina: Yeah. First thing I did was I wrote down my money.

Stephanie: Okay.

Sabrina: I just freaking wrote it all down. I had no money,

Stephanie: yep.

Sabrina: but I wrote it down. However much, $17, whatever it was. How much money I make. And then I was like, how much money do I need to get out of this hellhole? So I started looking up places, 'cause you have to know where you're going.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: You can make a plan, but your plan could fall super short, if you don't even know where you're going.

So I had to be like realistic of like, what do I need?

Right? I need a car, right? This is this guy's car. I don't have a car anymore. He had me sell it.

So, I had to look up housing. I had to look up cars. All the things that he's taking care of. How much is it to get outta here? And I had to write down what that would be total per month, per quarter, per year.

And then I knew how much that was. So then I was like, okay. How the f do make this much money?

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: So I can get out? And so I started googling. My first Google search towards my freedom was, something to the effect of, at home mom businesses.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I was a working mom, but like I needed it to be something I could do under the radar,

at home, quietly. So

Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

Sabrina: that I did was eBay. I opened up account, it's called Sales Fly, and I started listing my son's books.

Super inconspicuous. I can easily just sit in my son's room like we're playing, take a few pictures of books, load 'em up start selling them. My goal was five a day. I had to list five books a day until I got to the end of it. Anyways, very first book I sold was How to Give Him Mouse A Cookie. Yeah, I had it for sale for like $2 and 59 cents on a bid.

Right. Well, so it was probably for like $2 and then it bid out at like two 50. I, the amount of excitement that I had that day was like indescribable.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I still remember it. I still remember like the hope. I was like, I'm gonna fucking do this. I can do this.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Then, and I tell this story because there's so much sadness in life. I wrap it up and I go to the post office to send it. Yeah, and it was like $2 and 80 cents.

To mail it.

And I remember like within 24 hours. I went from like Beast. Boss babe. Freedom.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: To absolute defeat.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: But the difference is, see, this is where people get hung up. The difference is that I went back home. I was so sad. And I educated myself on, what the fuck with the shipping?

Stephanie: Right,

Sabrina: I went in and I changed all the shipping accordingly. And then the next one I did, I made two bucks.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: And the next one I did, I made three bucks. And the next one I did, I made 10 bucks. And the next one I did, I made two bucks.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Before I know it, a hundred bucks. Because I didn't give up.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And that's so much of so many people's stories is they get so excited, like, oh, it's gonna work. And then there's a fricking big ass hiccup that just smacks you in the face. And then you're like, F this!

Stephanie: And you sit down.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: And you don't get back up.

Sabrina: You're like, I'm not doing this. And you just leave the store.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Leave it, delete it. And you walk away. This isn't gonna work. I have to find something else.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: We have to keep educating ourselves on how to do it better, in all things.

Stephanie: Yes. So eBay wasn't your only business that you started, right?

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: And this was, again, this was all in secret.

Sabrina: This was under the radar. You had secret bank accounts, right?

Yeah. I opened a secret bank account across town, and that's where all my money was flowing to. And yeah, I didn't even look at it. I don't know if you, if anyone here listening knows who Lisa Nichols is.

Stephanie: I don't know that name.

Sabrina: Lisa Nichols. So when I was on this journey, one of the things that I would do is I would listen to personal development YouTube videos all day, every day.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I had my headphones in all day, every day. My guy probably thought I was listening to music, but I was listening to people in my ear tell me that anything is possible. And I can do anything I want. And I can do it.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Lisa Nichols tells a story. Similar, single mom, boyfriend went to jail, struggling.

She had epiphany similar to mine. I don't exactly remember the exact story. At one point she's like, I need to save for my dream. I don't know what my dream is. I need to save for my dream. What she would do is when she got her paycheck, she would like split it or something, between accounts. She had one account and she would pay herself in a check to another account and in the memo of the check she'd write, for my dream.

And she did this like a few times a week. She would just filter money into this other account. In the memo she always wrote, for my dream. Years later, like three, four years later, again, she didn't look at her account. I copied her on that

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And she went into the bank one day. This was a long ass time ago before online even existed.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: So she went into the bank and the lady goes, I know you. She's like, what? She's like, you are the for my dream girl.

Stephanie: Oh. '

Sabrina: cause every single, multiple times a week they would get these checks in that said, for my dream.

So she goes, what's your dream? She's like, I have no idea what my dream is, but I need to know how much money's in my account. And I don't remember what it was, but it was an insane amount of money for like what she was doing or where she was going for where she came from.

Stephanie: yeah,

Sabrina: And so anyways, I mimicked a lot of that. This is why I think it's so important to tell your story

Stephanie: of course.

Sabrina: because people need.

Stephanie: Examples. Yeah,

Sabrina: some steps.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Sabrina: So I mimicked that exactly, had money, drop it into account. I never looked at it. And then, yeah, one day four years later, $50 grand. Yeah.

And I literally just ran away.

Stephanie: Wow.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: So tell me a little bit, so at that point you are what, 34 ish?

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: Okay. And the interesting thing is this is usually when this midlife journey story starts, right? This 35 to 45 period. And now you have already had.

Sabrina: So much.

Stephanie: 15 years, 14 years of, drama and transition, and you've already begun your personal growth journey and somewhat your healing journey as well, right?

How do you go upon a healing journey while you're still in the situation?

Dude, this is gonna sound a little crazy, but this is the truth. I was two totally different people.I get it. I can envision it. You are the person he knows,

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: and then over here you're building a new person.

Sabrina: Yeah. It felt all, cards on the table, it felt for a good person, right? I'm a good person. For a good person, this was so uncomfortable.

Stephanie: Sure.

Sabrina: I was straight up being deceiving.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: Absolutely.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And it was the only way to survive. It was the only way to get out.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: So yeah, I had to, I knew I had totally educated myself on narcissism. I knew exactly what they needed to survive. I totally became an actress.

He would say mean things to me. I would have to cry.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I would have to act like a total psychopath, in my head, knowing I don't give a fuck about this guy.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: I don't give a f about any of this. So I'd like, he'd pushed me, not physically. He never hit me physically. but like, you know,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: and I would, let it roll. I'd act tough. I did the same thing, right? You have to like, you're chill for a little while, but then they keep poking at you until you break. So I'd be, in my head, I'd be like, Frick, I gotta

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: play this role because this is what he is looking for.

And so I'd have a total breakdown, crying, yelling, augh. And then on this other side, right, at night when he's watching whatever the news, sports, whatever he is doing, I'm at my fricking computer building my empire.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Freaking making money. I'm making moves. I am, wrapping things secretly, putting them in bags, throwing them in my trunk, freaking, building a whole nother life for myself.

Yeah, it was hard. It was hard.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Because he's telling me that I'm a dumb ass every day. That I'm insignificant. I don't have a college education, so he'd be like, you're not even college educated.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Like, who's gonna want you? You're a single mom. You have no money and no college education. Like, dude. You don't even have a right to have an opinion.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: So I'm getting this every day while also listening to Lisa Nichols tell me that Your dreams can come true.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And then trying to, it was hard.

Stephanie: Yeah. That's a lot of cognitive dissonance there to balance.

Sabrina: Ab. So. Lutely.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And I wanna say Stephanie. I tell this story like, oh yeah, I saved 50 grand. It took me. Girl, no. There was so many ups and downs. he found out I was saving at one point.There was so much drama with me saving this money. It was insane.

Stephanie: So he ultimately did find out about the money.

Sabrina: Yeah.

I had 13,000 saved. I guess, I guess that's what I said earlier was kind of a lie. So I, two years in, I, saved 13,000.

Stephanie: I was

Sabrina: looking at my bank account. I was so excited. He was coming up the stairs behind me and he goes.

I think in my head, I want him to see this because he is always telling me I'm so stupid and I can't do anything.

Stephanie: Right,

Sabrina: I freaking made $13,000. Dude, I'm a fricking genius. I'm a badass.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: I know he can't see it though, because like, what the frick.He came up, I closed, I was like, ah. I didn't do it fast enough.

I was like, consciously and unconsciously fighting with myself. He saw the money, took my computer, threw it across the room. It didn't break, but started swearing at me, telling me I was ungrateful, unloyal. How dare me. He didn't know I was running another business. He thought I was skimming off the top of my checks

Stephanie: Oh.

Sabrina: Off of my $200 a week.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: Yeah. He stopped paying me completely, as my punishment for not. He, it was basically like, if you have money to save, you need to be paying bills. He didn't want me having any money.

Stephanie: It's unbelievable to think that you could be skimming money off your own paycheck.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: Like, isn't that what your paycheck is for? But not for somebody who's financially abusing you. Of course not. Yeah. Yeah,

Anyways, then I had to save again. Then a year later, my son's father decided he wanted full custody of my son and just stole him. Oh

Sabrina: So then I had to fight for full custody. And again, all my money.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Because my abuser didn't pay for that.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: All that money that I had made, again. I started saving again. I'm still trying to like work. Oh my God, it was awful. It was awful.

Stephanie: Oh,

Sabrina: Then my lawyer. Sit down with a lawyer, $3,000.

Stephanie: Before they'll even talk to you.

Sabrina: It was a full year custody. $18 grand. $18 grand.

So, dude, it was awful.

Stephanie: yeah.

Sabrina: It was so hard. But again, back to Give A Mouse A Cookie. You have to just figure it out.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And there was a point where I was like, dude, I can't do this. The universe hates me.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I keep doing all the things. Tony Robbins is telling me to get up every day. Be optimistic. Don't let anything get you down. Show up. Work hard.

Les Brown is like, everything is possible. Nothing is impossible.

And I'm over here like bruh.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I'm doing all the shit you're telling me to do and it's not working. Right.

God hates me, the universe, whatever.And there was a point where I was like, I'm just gonna have to just put my hands up and this is my life.

And I had a conversation. I'm like, dude, women live with abusers.

They live with abusers, just fine. And I could live here. I could just turn off all my emotions like a robot.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: Just live here.

He's not hitting me, right. This is what we always say. He's not hitting me that bad.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: In my case, he wasn't hitting me at all. And he even used to say that.

Stephanie: Right,

Sabrina: You're acting like I'm hitting you.

Stephanie: Right,

Sabrina: Dude. Like I was supposed to be excited about that.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: But yeah, I was in my car one day and I made the decision. I said, you know what? I'm going to keep trying until.

That has always been my key word. When everybody, anybody how long, what? Until.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: You keep going. That's the key

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: that everyone's missing. Oh, I tried so hard. It didn't work. You didn't do it until.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: If it's for real. If you are for real about building a business, about having the number one podcast, about losing weight, about anything, a relationship. You do it until. There is no giving up. It's not a thing.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: We all have a choice, right? We all have a choice, but if it's real, you have to do it until. And so that's what I did. I got back up after this whole baby daddy thing, and I was like, I'm not doing this. I have to figure it out.

So at that point, I was getting child support. Plus my businesses were rolling. I had four businesses rolling. And boom. Money just came. A year later, I was out.

Stephanie: Wow. So you're out and you've been listening to all these voices in personal growth, personal development space, so you at least know the concepts and maybe you haven't completelyabsorbed them yet, or you're not completely living them yet, but you're certainly on your way. Tell me about what your mid thirties look like.

You're out of this relationship, you're on your own, you've got these businesses, and you still have some cleanup to do in your own internal space.

Sabrina: Yeah,

Stephanie: What do the next few years look like?

Sabrina: Absolutely. Full throttle with my business, which is now Her Nation Global. It wasn't that back then. Networking like crazy. Very much in my masculine.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: Nobody can touch me. Don't look at me. Don't try to get up on me.

I make all the rules. I did not wanna ever end up in the same situation that I was in before. Everything revolved around money. I was in a lot of lack mindsets, but like healing.

I ended up at that point in my life, a year or two after getting out of that, I ended up in another relationship with a very nice man, a very nice man.I say it like that because this was a huge turning point leading into my forties.

That lasted for six years. We did end up getting engaged. I broke up the engagement. But we're always learning, right?

Stephanie: Of course.

Sabrina: So I went from a super, super masculine, alpha, toxic.

I swung all the way over here like a feminine, weaker person. And I didn't realize that at the time, right?Until years later when I'm looking around, I'm like, dude, this is hard.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: I'm so tired all the time. I'm making all the rules, I'm doing all the things, I'm making all the decisions, right? I'm always on high alert. I'm doing all the manly things in the masculine energy, a hundred percent,

Stephanie: yeah.

Sabrina: in my business and my personal.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: I turn around and I'm like, this is not, no gracias.

I got outta that relationship, and right now, as we speak, in my forties, I am really recognizing my feminine energy.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: How healed I am. How so little things trigger me. So little. Ugh. I'm so calm. I'm so relaxed. I breathe. It feels so good.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: But so much learning. I mean, so much learning. And the thing that I tell people is I totally could have married that guy.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: He was very nice to me.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: Yeah, he was kind. He was sweet. He was funny.But I was not who I was supposed to be in that relationship

Stephanie: right.

Sabrina: so I had to exit that.

Stephanie: Yeah.

You described it very well by going from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other.

Sabrina: Yeah.

Stephanie: And really a healthy place is about balance.

Sabrina: Yeah,

Stephanie: A healthy place is about harmony, is about, I wanna use the word equality. It's not necessarily equality, it's more balance. And that's not where you were in that second relationship. You were out on the edge of the spectrum.

Sabrina: Absolutely.

Stephanie: So these last couple of years, you're swinging back into the middle.

Sabrina: Yeah. Absolutely, and just being more aware of,

Stephanie: yeah.

Sabrina: authentically, who am I for real, right? Not who am I with?

Because sometimes that's what we do.

Stephanie: Mm-hmm.

Sabrina: We kind of chameleon. We're certain people with certain. And Yes. Right? Yes. Obviously like if you're going to a certain sort of atmosphere. You would dress or be a little more different professional than you would

Stephanie: Sure.

Sabrina: if you went to like a baseball game.

Stephanie: Sure.

Sabrina: Or if you're going to the park, like

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Obviously, we're all multi-dimensional. I'm not like the saying you're the same person through and through, but ultimately,

Stephanie: the core.

Sabrina: there shouldn't be huge, drastic fricking,

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: swings

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: in who we are. And so, yeah, just really everything that I do now, I'm very intentional with like, wait, do I really wanna do this? Do I really wanna go here? Do I really wanna be here? And allowing myself to say no. Girl, I say no All. The. Time. Never would've been like that in my earlier years.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: Everything was yes. You want me to do this? Yes. You want me to go from one side of town all the way to the other side of town during rush hour traffic?

Yes, absolutely, no problem. And I have to pick up my son from soccer practice right in the middle of that. Sure, no problem.

Right? Insanity.

Stephanie: Yeah. So one of the hallmarks of this transition sometime around age 40, is that we stop relying on other people's opinions and other people's supposed tos and shoulds. And we realize we have our own experience and we have our own opinions and we start to gain confidence in those. And so I'm very curious that relationship you had that 12 or 13 year relationship,there was somebody always telling you what to think, what to do, right? All of these things. Tell me about how you've built that voice inside you that you know is yours and that you know you can trust.

Sabrina: Yeah, this took a long time.

There was an epiphany I had probably when I was 35. I'll never forget, I was like shouting this from the rooftop every day when I realized, this is gonna sound so funny to some of you, and some of you're gonna be like, girl, I get this. I had a choice.

That's how crazy, right, to some of you that are like, girl, what are you even talking about? There's people listening right now that, so get that.

There are people walking around this world right now, I was one of 'em, that only took the opinion of other people. Never ever knew that they could go against what somebody else freaking told them to do.

Mm-hmm. I had no idea. And when I found that out, girl, I ran with, that's where my No started. My no phase..

I don't wanna do that. No thank you.

Stephanie: yeah.

Sabrina: And it felt so good. I don't wanna wear that. I don't wanna go there. I don't wanna look at that. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna eat that. Simple things.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And yeah, huge shift for me

was realizing I had a choice.

Stephanie: Yeah. there's unlearning. Unlearning. Not just learning, but unlearning the patterns, unlearning the foundational things that were programmed into us as very young people. And I'm wondering if coming from such a strict religious background, if you feel like that had something to do with you, maybe not knowing or being able to hear your own voice.

Sabrina: Absolutely.

Stephanie: Yeah,

Sabrina: And I'm not the only person.

Stephanie: of course not.

Sabrina: Yeah,

Stephanie: No.

Sabrina: Absolutely. Yeah. 'cause at a young age, you're told to just sit there and be quiet.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: And what we say goes, always. Don't ever ask. And I remember I was very inquisitive.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: Why is this? Well, this doesn't quite make sense. No offense to anybody who's religious,

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: but like, dude, I had questions. I was not allowed to ask questions.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: There was no asking of questions, no outside thinking.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: I just learned very quickly, like we don't question anything, just what an adult says - anybody who acts like they're in control - says goes.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: And so I very quickly was submissive to everybody. Even my friends, Steph. I look back, all of my friends had narcissistic traits.

All of them. I'm not saying they're narcissists.

Stephanie: Right.

Sabrina: All of them had narcissistic traits. I went where they went. I did what they did. I followed them like a little sheep.

Stephanie: Yep.

Sabrina: It's so sad when I think about it. Ah, so sad. But that was me. I was their little sidekick. Anything they said went. Anything they wanted to do, I'd pick 'em up. I'd drop 'em off. I'd go buy 'em shit like a little servant.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Sabrina: It was crazy when I think back about it, And they groomed me.

Groomed me for my next friend. They groomed me for my next boyfriend. They groomed me for my abuser.

Stephanie: Right, because it was a pattern that you were participating in over and over again, and you didn't, until you were in your mid thirties, see that there was an off ramp, that there was a different way

that you,you had a choice, right? 35, you had a choice.

Sabrina: Absolutely. Yeah, and I think it's so important for those of you listening to recognize that very rarely is it just all of a sudden that you end upin a relationship with somebody who's just punching you in the face. It is a slow progression of relationships that get you there.

And so that's all that was the, all those little things were just grooming me slowly. Just a little worse. So when I got to this dude, I was just like, well, I can deal with this.

Stephanie: Right,

Sabrina: So-and-so has traits like this, so-and-so has traits like that. Yeah. Excuses. Right. And it always went back to like, I'm strong

I can take it.

Stephanie: Which you clearly are.

Sabrina: Thank you.

Stephanie: You survived it. You came out and you rebuilt yourself. You are clearly strong and resilient, and smart, and capable and all of the things.

Sabrina: Yeah, definitely. But it's good to be mindful of that. So, for those of you that maybe are in a situation like this, girl,not your fault.

Stephanie: Correct.

Sabrina: There are relationships that have, stemming from your parents, your guardian, stemming from your guardian.

Stephanie: That is why I always start these conversations with, tell me about the forces that shaped you to be who you were when our story begins, because it's in this time period, this 35 to 45, andthese edges are blurry, right? It's whenever you get to it, but that's when you start realizing that there are patterns you're behaving in.

And if your life doesn't look the way you want it to, it might not be everybody else. Maybe there's something that you need to figure out about you. And if you're gonna do that, you have to figure out where you came from and where you might have picked that up. And a lot of times those things come to us when we're so young, we don't know, formative experiences. The household we grew up in, the family, the culture, the society we grew up in. So it, it seems silly that I start with, tell me about the forces that shaped you except that they become, what it is is gonna change when you're somewhere around your 40th birthday.

Sabrina: Absolutely.

Stephanie: Sabrina, this is amazing. Thank you so much for being so generous with your story and sharing all of the ins and outs and the way you got out. I think you've provided such a wonderful illustration of coming through adversity and coming out the other side and then growing. Then finding yourself and your voice.

Sabrina: I really appreciate you sharing the story with us today.

Thank you. Thank you for having me.